In our last RightTurns.com edition, I began a feature titled Headlines We Will Never See to illustrate the absurdity of liberal positions. As I stated in my introduction to the feature, when I read my daily dose of news I sometimes feel that I am in a Twilight Zone - where reality appears absurd and absurd appears real. Well, we hit a nerve with our readers in the first round. We have been deluged from our readers with many creative and some mean yet funny suggestions. Some of them are at the bottom of this article. First, my Headlines.

1996 Welfare Reform Update: Number of Welfare Recipients Drops by 50%; $Billions Saved

The first part of that headline is correct. So why haven't we heard of all the money being saved by the drop of welfare recipients? The federal budget and most of the state budgets are bleeding red ink. So how come the saved welfare money isn't solving some of the budget problems? I suspect the dirty little secret is that welfare recipient numbers are down but spending is not. Someone needs to research this. A government rule of thumb is that spending is never reduced, just the rate of spending growth.
(See reader Vince Bowler's related Headline contribution below.)

Congress Hates Family Farms; Votes Farmer Welfare Act of 2002 to Rid Country of Them

In what is arguably the best American novel, Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry, Augustus McCrae, the frontier Texas Ranger, is saying goodbye to his long time love in front of her edge-of-the-frontier cattle ranch house in Nebraska. She asks him to settle down and stay with her instead of going farther west. He says that he can't do it because soon there will be farmers in the area. They will build schoolhouses and churches. Augustus is not sure he can live in such a civilized community. As far as I am concerned, that image of the American farmer - the rugged families that tamed the frontier, battling the elements and working before sunup to past sundown, successful economic warriors during the Cold War… IS DEAD AS A DOORNAIL! The recently passed farm bill is nothing but a vote buying federal government expanding welfare program. Congress has justified farmer welfare all these years to protect the family farm. Family farms have decreased over 85% in number since the first farmer welfare act back in the early 1900's. Reported recent beneficiaries of farmer welfare are multi-millionaires Sam Donaldson and Charles Schwab. Thomas Jefferson would have been disgusted by this. In our home budget or our business budget, the declining results would have stopped the spending years ago. Some savvy conservative farm economist should investigate whether farmer welfare spending has actually promoted the decimation of the family farm. Our GOP yes votes on this boondoggle should be ashamed.

Enron Executives Found Not Guilty
"Social Security Does It" Defense Successful

This is not an original idea from me. I give full credit to one of the most inspiring columnist around, Walter Williams. Hiding off balance sheet debt, lying about the liquidity of accounts that have no money in them, playing a pyramid game with other people's money, screwing employees, exempting yourself (and your retirement money) from any risk in your decisions, …. Sound like Enron? Of course it does. But as Walter points out (http://www.jewishworldreview.com/cols/williams041702.asp.), it is also exactly what Congress has been doing with our Social Security money since the beginning. (See reader Mark R. Cancemi's related Headline contribution below.)


Now for the Reader Suggested "Headlines We Will Never See" (with some slight editing):

Mark R. Cancemi:
"Government Officials Agree to be Subject to the Same Laws They Enact for the Rest of Us."
As Congress "debates" on how to return to us OUR Social Security money, remember one key point - their retirement (and that of most of the federal employees) is not even connected to and is much more generous than the Social Security system! Talk about liberal "I know what is best for you" hubris!!!!

Vince Bowler:
"1996 Welfare Reform Legislation causes "Starvation Death" for 2,000,000 poor children in the U.S."
I must have missed the funeral notices in the papers.

Jody ("please, no last name"):
"Cubs Win the World Series"
Hopefully, Jody has private health insurance with a delusional treatment rider. Mrs. Clinton's health care plan would have left Jody a life long sufferer without any relief (which the Cubs don't have either).

These are my Headlines We Will Never See for this time. If any of our readers have some they would like to recommend for the next round, email me with the suggested headline. I will give full credit to those that I use. One exception: I already have a list of several more that I have created so if your suggestion is on that list, you will not receive credit.

• Write Sam Harper at harper@rightturns.com

Sam T. Harper graduated cum laude from Vanderbilt University.  Following a tour in the US Navy and a stint as Operations Manager at Roadway Express, he earned his MBA from Stanford University Graduate School of Business.  He was a contributor to “In Search of Excellence,” the best selling business book of all time.  Sam was also Manager, Economic Planning & Analysis at Sohio Petroleum, Partner and Chief Financial Officer at investment-banking firm Bridgemere Capital, and Chief Operating Officer of the Institute for Contemporary Studies, a San Francisco Bay Area-based think tank and international publishing firm that specializes in self-governing and entrepreneurial public policy.  Sam was a chairman of the San Francisco Republican party and the GOP co-host of California Political Review on KALW-FM in San Francisco.  Sam is currently the co-owner of the Tennessee based Institute for Local Effectiveness Training, LLC – a management consulting, training, and coaching firm.